Sunday, March 22, 2009

Dead End Relationship


I’m in a dead end relationship. It’s been two years and I feel like I’m the only one really putting in any effort. I’m always the one to call him. Sure, in the beginning he used to call me back, but I guess as the honeymoon wore off he figured he didn’t have to put the effort in because he knew I was lucky to have to him. He’s right, I mean there are hundreds of people who want him. I try not to ask too much of him because if I do he’ll think I’m a pest and find someone else who’s easier to deal with and less demanding. But is it too much to ask that he live up to his commitment to me? I mean, we have a contract, doesn’t that mean anything to him? Maybe I’m not as wonderful as he once thought I was. He used to tell me I was different, that I had a unique voice. But now, he doesn’t even respond to my ideas and the stories I tell him. I’m considering leaving him, but I’m afraid I won’t find someone else. I’d be so lost, I mean I really do need him. I feel like it’s better to have him and be treated badly than not to have him at all. Is that sick? Is there something wrong with me for feeling that way? Am I too dependent upon him? Yes, I am very dependent upon him, but only because this society has created it so that I do need him. Some people won’t even talk to me unless they know I’m with him. I’ve grown to accept that’s just the way it is, but something inside of me is telling me to look for someone new. Maybe a woman this time. Would a woman be able to give me what I need? Would she at least return my phone calls, introduce me to people and not just keep me tucked away clinging onto the hope that I’ll be good enough for her?

He really gave me a wake-up call a few months ago. He told me he’s pursuing other interests, that he was frustrated with the way things were. I can’t say that I blame him, I guess I’ve been frustrated, too. I wanted to believe that he’d still have time for me, but it’s obvious he doesn’t. I mean, he’s so busy he told me to fax him instead of calling him. Can you believe it? And as bad as that is, I’m just grateful he hasn’t terminated our contract because I know I’m more desirable to someone else while I still have him. 

So, I’ve started looking. I’m just sending out a few feelers to see if there’s a response. It’s just so hard to face all that rejection again. I mean I must have introduced myself to over a hundred people before pairing up with him, and honestly, he was the only one interested. I could play hard to get, although, I don’t want to risk a potential relationship by playing games but at the same time I don’t want to appear desperate either. I guess I just have to develop more confidence in myself and believe that anyone would be lucky to have me. 

I suppose being with him has raised my self-esteem, so maybe I could find someone new. I believe in myself now more than I did when I met him. I know I have a lot to offer even if I’m not the best out there, if someone could just see my potential and be willing to work with me, we could have a great relationship. I mean that’s what relationships are all about, right? Two people working together, a partnership. That’s what I’m looking for this time. Someone who’s willing to invest their time in me because they believe in me. I’d even be willing to give them fifteen percent of my earnings instead of the standard ten. Maybe it’ll be better the second time around.

- END -

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